Over-read

I like this author.  I really do.  But every once in a while sometimes even the best books have a really stupid line in them.

"If I hadn't been wearing my seat belt, I would have gone straight through the windshield.  As it was, I was pretty sure I'd busted an ovary or two from the impact with the seat belt itself."

Really?

(from Every Other Day by Jennifer Lynn Barnes)

Grandma's lipstick

me, pointing to a very specific shade of pink:  "See?  That's the color pink that I like."
friendly coworker:  "Oh!  That reminds me of my grandma."

closing time Saturday

"That's really not something you want, you know, to go to the library & murder animals on the way in."

"Katy finally came out of the bathroom." "Yay!!"

It's not Christmas Eve or anything...

"Mom, can I go to bed right now?" time: 6:35pm

Questionable Frozen Foods

Sharon - "I'm not sure Tish wants to see it." Tish - "What is it?" Sharon - "Something risque in Carrie's freezer."

Only at IFA

"Can you please tell me where your bovine insemination gloves are?"

-ified

Taking my son back to his dad's house after church, I told him that I was feeling all funkified.  I've been using that word a bit lately, & that got us discussing what words we can add -ified to.  We started spitting out all the words we could think of with -ified added to the end:  streetified, benchified, shirtified, sadified, truckified, skyified.  Somewhere in the middle I said, "So how was church today?  What did you guys do in your classes?"
His response:  "...let's just say it's classified."

Sick

Coworker, to me:  "Are you feeling better?  You're definitely looking better.  Last time I saw you, you were all pasty & didn't look good.  You were turning green right here" (motioning just under the eyes) "like septic green.  Did not look good."

Late Fines

Matt:  "Mom, why do you not return things on time?"
Mom:  "Honey, you're lucky just to have clean underwear & a bowl of cereal in the morning."

Easter

Bonnie:  "I'm wearing my Easter socks today, Kathleen!"
Kathleen:  "So am I.  And they say 'cowabunga.'"

TMI

me:  "Why are you so wiggly?"
Nix:  "Because I'm playing SD Gundam Capsule Fighter...and...the underwear I'm wearing is tight."

Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you look at Jimmy Kimmel's butt?"
"No, I'm saving that for later."

I must be getting old, I guess

Some of you have already heard a couple of these, & yet my 12-year-old son continues to (hopefully ignorantly) spit them out.
On Sunday at church, he's being all affectionate, leaning up against me, gazing up at me admiringly (I thought), then whispered, "Are you growing a mustache?"
On Tuesday, he arrives at the library & gives me a nice big hug, then starts patting my face & saying, "Wrinkle here, wrinkle here..."
On Wednesday evening, we pick up his brand-new glasses & he's looking all around him in wonder at the clarity of his vision.  Then he focuses on me from about 5 feet away, & says, "I can even see the bags under your eyes!  You must be tired or something."

What's on the Agenda?

"Yes, I will be here next Thursday.  There will be whining."

The son's honesty

We were walking out of Walmart last night after running into one of Nix's old teachers from elementary school.  It reminded him of something, so he said, "I saw Mrs. Wardrop at the library today."
I work at the library, & I'd seen a teacher earlier in the day, so, wondering if she was one & the same, I asked, "What does she look like?"
"She has curly hair."
"Is it long curly hair?"
"No."
"Is she fat like me?"
"No, she's a health teacher."

Newsworthy

"Wait, LDS people who are republicans made the front page cuz they're dead?!"

"It's only illustrated nudity, so it doesn't really count."

Work Practices

"I can understand working outside the box, but there's that & there's working outside the universe."

At IHOP:  "He didn't say anything about the goats on the table."

And later: "You don't even have a tongue!  What are you licking me with?"

Leprosy & Directions

Last Sunday, at church:  "Well, you're really lucky your friend has leprosy, too!"

And today, a man asked me where our copier is.  My response, "Right down there in the middle, just past the sleeping boy." 
It was so cute, this little four-year-old had just gotten back from Disneyland, was exhausted, & sat down for a minute while his mom perused the new arrival display, only to fall asleep with his legs crossed & his head bent down over his legs.

#8 on the list of things I never thought I'd ask my 12-year-old

Why do you have a moustache & a beard?

Acrobatics

At work:  "I like the butt-pogo."

Sharon the Sniffer

Sharon: "Are you hot?  You took your sweater off."
me: "I didn't wear a sweater today."
Sharon: "Are you sure?  Didn't I sniff you?"

Triplet

Bonnie, on being my shoulder-devil:  "I'm like the anti-Jiminy Cricket."
-
Me:  "Want to know how to really irritate someone?"
Sharon:  "Work with them."
-
a mom:  "Did you hear that, Chloe?  Jason likes peanut butter & honey sandwiches.  You love peanut butter & honey sandwiches, too, don't you?"
Chloe:  "Actually, I love peanut butter & chocolate sandwiches."

Ah, books...

From Other People's Love Letters edited by Bill Shapiro

I really liked this one...this is only the last half of the entry, though:

"If you were here now
we'd get in trouble.
The stewardesses would have to
pull us apart, then send one
to sit up front and the other
in back
We'd get a scolding at the
airport, an asterisk by our
names for future flights,
then released, promising to never
ever again, salsa dance with
the seatbelt sign on."

This one rendered me speechless.

me:  "Hey Melissa, I was back at the computers & overheard this guy listening to his music - do you remember that old Billy Ocean song Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car?"
Melissa, shaking her head: "I don't watch Spongebob."

Bonnie, again

Making a reminder note to herself:
"Bring a bad picture of Brian."

2 seconds ago

"Marshall, don't lick the counter."

Family Look-Alikes

A child was looking at our new TV screen behind the check out desk, & pointed out one of the photographs to her mom.  Her mom's reply was, "Honey, that's Walter Cronkite.  That's not Poppi."

Revenge!

To the custodian:  "Just for that, I'm putting my gum in the garbage without a tissue!"

Offspring = comic relief

On the way to school this morning, me, responding to something Nix said:  "That's not nice!"
Nix:  "Well, I am The Toilet Destroyer!"

Been saving up.

Heard near the restrooms:  "This is the Womens', you're going into the boys', Mom!"
-
At the library:  "I'm leaving to find someplace quiet."  (In our defense, the construction can be pretty distracting, but it's not our fault!)
-
me:  "Do you want me to walk down there for you because of your groin problem?"
Sharon:  "No, I'm on drugs!"
-
"I'm not all that fond of exaltation, either."

Mispronunciation

I was telling a coworker about one man's inability to pronounce Cache as 'kash' rather than 'kash-ay'.  He protested that it was French.  My coworker said, "Did you tell him, um, in America then, Butte would then be pronounced 'boot-ay'?"

Even when I'm at work for only half a day, there's still a plethora of goodies...

"Brett's too cool for hydrocortisone!"

and

"You must have come down with perversion!  There's no cure for that!"

Work has such an abundance of possibilities.

Melissa, to Sharon: "Do you need me to help you with the Unknown?"

Yes, this person makes me wonder, just exactly how smart is he?

At the fair, "Cows are awesome.  They say moo."

From our newest coworker - who knew she'd be an ovrheard star?

"I always have butt-crack issues..."

Itty Bitty Draper City

"So basically I need to drive around town looking for a big boob...a single big boob."

This was in response to one of the pictures for Itty Bitty Draper City at the library.  Some people just have dirty minds.

another jewel from the offspring

"Mommy, will you please smell my armpit?"

Sugar Packet Football

I was complaining about my lack of scoring during our game at IHOP yesterday, & this was Nix's response:
"That's cuz your flicking power is bad."

I really did hear her correctly...

"At my house we don't shower with boxes."

A patron to her child:

The librarian was trying to remember a title for this patron, & her child (as children do) kept interrupting to ask a question.
"Don't interrupt, she's trying to find a brainwave!"

Food for Thought

"Friends are for rainy days, and sunny ones, too."
                      -from Pepperoni Pizza Can Be Murder by Chris Cavender
 
     -How many true friends do you think are really out there?  Ones that stick around for both the sunny days & the rainy ones?

Fun Science

"Hey Justin, come see Nicky's experiment in the bathroom."

And the other day, Dad said, "I dreamed in French last night.  I couldn't understand myself, though."

And they wonder why I go home at night & cry...

A cow-orker (Happy Birthday, Dad!) was discussing Magneto with another cow-orker.  He was just teasing when he said this - I think...
"If I was a mutant I'd join his brotherhood.  To hell with all the humans!  And Carrie would be the first to go!"

Ode to Firefly

"I feel weird justifying my attraction to space cowboys."

Confetti Clock

Dustin, the custodian, discussing possible aspects of a countdown clock & the mess it might make:
"See, that's what they'll do, & then Friday will come & I'll be like, 'Dang it, the confetti came out of the countdown clock again!'"

Also, I found this written down, but I don't remember why Mom said it to me:
"Sorry we don't have a butt-washer."

A Parent's Reason

Nix: "Daddy, can I get some gum?"
John: "No."
Nix: "Why not?"
John: "Because you leave it in weird places."

What did we do before vacuums?

Mom:  "He's going to vacuum his head."

Also, I was told to add this one:
Dustin & I were discussing people who leave toilets unflushed, especially solid waste, & this comment came up:  "Seriously, you made all that effort to get that in there, why not just lean over & press the button when you're done?"