This is SO wrong

While glancing at "Do It Yourself Numerology" by Sonia Ducie, I came across this little bit about what my number's appearance should probably be:
"...you may have large, bulging eyes, clear skin, an upturned nose, a high forehead, & eyebrows that meet in the middle.  You may have a large face, with high cheekbones & a prominent chin.  You may also be of medium height, & your outstanding feature is your slim build."

Yeah, right.

Is this really work-appropriate?

Actually, there's two of them today:

JT: "I don't want to imagine what that would feel like between your toes."
Dustin: "An eyeball?  Yeah."

And later:
Jenn: "Wouldn't you want to kiss a strawberry dragon?"

Once more, from Sharon

"I'd trade my body in for a cold one any day."

Um....no?

Believe it or not, my supervisor asked this question:  "Have you ever yodeled in the library?"

I never knew Bonnie was a cruel seamstress.

"Alright, I need to go sew Garfield's butt to the shelf."

It's always the normal-seeming ones...

This is one of my favorites, I still laugh every time I remember it.  A couple of weeks ago I was at work & B asked me, "Have you ever..." & then paused, so of course I had to fill in the blanks mentally & respond.  Here's how it went.
B:  "Have you ever..."
me:  "Yes!"
B:  "Really?  How did you do it?"
me:  "Very carefully."
B:  "Huh.  So did you go around, or through?"
me:  "Through, of course."
By this time we're both laughing, then B decides it's time to stop joking around.
B:  "Okay, seriously, have you ever used a meat grinder?"

Violence!

me: "Please don't do that."
Nix:  "What, kill the TV?"

an apology

just to say:  I know I haven't posted much lately - my most common means of posting has now been verboten, & thus I write down the funny things I hear on little pieces of paper & stick them in my back pocket for safe-keeping.  When I get home I take all the little pieces of paper out & place them somewhere very safe, which I have yet to find.  So, to the 2 1/2 people who actually read this, I'm sorry, & I'll be better at posting, promise!  :)

from Mom:

"I've lost my green-light mojo!"

poor, poor Willy Wonka

While sitting in a Chinese restaurant with Nix, his dad took exception to our behavior:
"No more oompa-loompas.  I mean it."

from "Devil's Kiss" by Sarwat Chadda

"Vomitworthy.  It was the only way to describe her day, & it was barely lunchtime."

I am irresponsible!

A woman who was probably in her 60s came up to pay her fine today.  She had a friend with her, & when I informed them that I always had fines on my card the woman in front of me said she understood, but her friend said she didn't.  Then as they were walking away the friend said, "There's such a thing as responsibility."

In honor of Dustin's wedding on Saturday, from the groom himself:

"So I went in the closet, closed the door, & ate my doughnut.  In the dark."

Sorry, WHAT from WHERE?

Standing at the checkout, a mid-40s woman comes up with her 10-year-old & teenage sons.  She wants to know what her fines are for, so I tell her, then noticing an overdue book, I have to ask,

"Did you happen to return Zombie Butts from Uranus?"

I made it to the last word at least before I busted out laughing.

Love those children's books.

Pookie learns to

do the Pookie Shimmy.

Oh, yeah.

on the back of Let's Dance, Little Pookie by Sandra  Boynton

While discussing the zombie apocalypse...

"So, is that a polite way of saying you're not gonna help me when I'm getting eaten?"

I love it when the cousins are here...

"There's no coffee in Star Wars!"

No PDA Allowed

"Stop hugging.  No more hugging.  You can hug later."

- this was the mom of a pair of totally cute little boys with curly hair, who were probably about 4.  There was a line of about 5 people waiting for help, & they were hamming it up & hugging each other like it was the end of the world, making everyone laugh.  It's moments like this that make the rest of the time worth it.

That's the important thing, right?

The other day I was walking into Target with my boy, & we were teasingly pushing each other (gently), & I accidentally pushed him out into where the cars drive.  There weren't any cars around, but Nix got upset with me, & said, "You shouldn't push me out there!  Then you wouldn't have a son!  And you'd have to take that present you bought me for Christmas back!"

Sorry, say that again?

Jenn: "At one point in my life I had a need for a personalized bobblehead."

Oh, my

Sharon:  "Are you having a hot flash over there?"
Claudia:  "Yes, & Carrie gave it to me."

I had power I never knew I had.

Fortuitous

Grumpy, tired, need more sleep...got to work  before anyone else & found a fortune from a fortune cookie on the floor:  "Now is a good time for you to explore.  Take a vacation."

Does it count if someone else ate the cookie & accidentally dropped the fortune?

Lions...oh my

Looking down the library I saw a young man, about 10 or so, come out of the men's restroom wearing a lion costume (without the head), followed by a friend.  Apparently the friend got too close, & the lionboy turned, gave him a Look, & whipped his tail up over his other shoulder, then continued on his way.

I'm not even going to ask.

"Letters to Juliet"

"Life is the messy bits."  

I bet I miss a lot of really good ones...

Last weekend:  "That'll be your goal, make it to the next Port-a-Potty."

Yesterday at work:  "Okay, I'll make a sign that says , 'Slug me for assistance.'"

Cannibalism

me, to a very nice coworker: "So, if someone were to eat you, you'd be nice & tender & soft, huh?"

maybe I should.

someone to me: "Being nice is a good thing.  You should try it sometime."

Picture Day - Oh, & it's Wednesday, too. Never a good sign.

Sometimes I surprise myself with what comes out of my mouth to my boy:

"Next time don't draw on yourself the day before picture day, even if you do want chest hair."

At least, not that I know of...

I'm glad Nix hasn't ever licked a drink from the floor of a public restaurant.  Or any other floor for that matter.

I walk in on the end of a lot of conversations...

Melissa, to Rose Marie:  "I'd be okay with seeing tissue paper stuck in your nose."

That'll be me if I survive to that age...

A patron at the library came in to pick up a book her husband's father had just placed on hold.  She said he's 94 & loves to do taxes all day long for months, & that they finally just had to take the car away from him last week.  Apparently, he was sneaking it out, so they had to sell it.  Just picture it, a 94-year-old man sneaking the car out for nefarious reasons!

Pirate Possibilities

Texting:
me: I can't imagine what the checker's going to think - me buying a knife & an eye patch together.
John: Make sure you say arghhh if they ask any questions

Heard in the backroom while minding my own business...

BJB:  Well, I guess I ought to get a life.
MN:  What brought that about?
BJB:  I've been working on the same problem since 9 this morning!
MN:  What - getting a life?

While discussing my 9-year-old's future car plans...

me: "Are you still going to have a yellow car?"
Nix: "Umm...probably not.  I actually won't be driving a car."
me: "Oh, really?  Why not?"
Nix: "I'm going to be driving a police helicopter when I grow up."

Regarding sparkles...

"I'm just not sure I'd want a man who sparkled."

Sad, sad, sad

I actually had someone ask me today, "Are the tax forms still free, ma'am?"

If they started charging us just to fill out the forms about how much we've already paid, I think there'd be a mutiny.  How sad that someone thought to ask that.

Oh, that's a disease?

On the back of a library book:

"Watts Library books about human health and disease:
AIDS
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Cocaine
Lyme Disease
Puberty"

So I'm on the library computer in public, & suddenly I burst out laughing. What must the patrons think of me?

Ah, I love this blog.  Here's what was posted yesterday:

^Pants
^Yay! for padded bike pants!
http://www.margaretthinks.blogspot.com/

Humble, too.

Me, to Sherd: "You're so abnormal."
Sherd: "I know.  I'm hot."

(It's not really what you're thinking.)

Mom, this one's for you

This morning as I left the house with Nix, I actually told myself, "Drive safe!" -No one else said it, & it didn't feel right to leave without hearing it.  Thanks, Mom.

Seriously. It's only 8:45 in the morning.

at work, B said:  "Neener neener, I got turd!"

I made Sharon's eyes go big...

I asked CC:  "So, has there been any bodice-ripping yet?"

I'll leave the interpretation of that one up to your imagination.

I didn't mean it that way!

I learned yesterday that it's not a good idea to point in the general direction of another person's crotch (even if you're really pointing at their pocket) & say, "That's creepy."

What would it be like...

Nix was on a roll today - here are three of the funny things he said:

"I'm not afraid to use my tenderizer!" - this was in the middle of the grocery store.

We walked up to the door of the credit union where they posted a sign that says something along these lines:  "Please remove all hats, sunglasses, helmets, & ski masks before entering the lobby." & has some sample pictures below to show you what's not allowed.  Nix saw the pic of the guy in the ski mask (before he read the words) & interpreted it a little differently - "No ninjas?"

Later I said something about how I wished things were different, & he replied, "What would it be like with an alien for president?"

Excuse me?

Nix, talking to his dad on the phone about why we can't reschedule something for Tuesday night:  "Because my mom's always emotional on Tuesdays."

Perspective is always a good thing...I guess.

Fancy what?

Dustin:  So, if either of you two are interested in staying at the Marriott, they have fancy toilets.  Just so you know.

discussing flame bodies

JT:  "I would make a great incubator."

while discussing fairy tales & happiness...

JT:  "I could be happy being foam."

So literal...

Nix wanted to sleep tonight without a shirt on.  I told him he'd get cold, & he said he never gets cold at his dad's house.  I said that his dad probably has the heat up higher than Nana does, & Nix replied, "Up higher?  His heater's in the basement!"

First gangs, now death?

another strange pen showed up at work:
Palm Mortuaries Cemeteries Crematories

and a pencil:
Sweetwater County Sheriff's Office Open 24 Hours "You Call, We Haul"
 -isn't that an interesting way to put it?  The Sheriff's last name is, ironically, Bailiff.

Those Darn Office Supplies

Stickie note found on a stapler:
"I think this stupid stapler has finally passed on to Stapler Heaven-"

H-E-double-hockey-sticks

Listening to Rodney Atkins' "If You're Going Through Hell" - Nix pointed out the 'bad word', but then started singing it - when I called him on it, he said, "I only said H, E, and one L, so it doesn't count."

What exactly does this mean?

I picked up a pen at work today that's inscribed with "Salt Lake Area Gang Project".  I'm not sure how to take it...